Friday, September 7, 2012

Sicko Craps in Public

Many "kid-friendly" eateries out there kindly provide booster seats and high chairs to any vertically-challenged, postfetal blob-person who waddles through their door - despite the fact that they always order off-menu and never - NEVER - tip properly. Anyone who has worked as a waiter knows how deeply lame this is, yet long-suffering restaurant workers put up with it. God bless you all, restaurant workers!
Well the good staff and patrons of Thanksgiving Point Deli in Utah were in for the dry heave of a lifetime when this weirdo whips out what everyone assumed to be a standard high chair. Moments later, however, trou was dropped and the perp carried on munching on fish sticks like it was NBD. It was then that patrons realized the sickening truth: This was not a booster seat, but a portable shit box.
By the time the staff allowed reality to sink in, the baby in question had packed up and gone on its way.   Is this simply the most thoughtless lame baby we've seen yet? Or does this baby have some kind of SICK OBSESSION with crapping in restaurants while others unsuspectingly dine? We can only assume the latter.

Got a lame baby to report? Email (yes, Yahoo! motherfuckers!) while we get our act together with our domain. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

SF Summer Festivals

YBIL Webmaster and senior field reporter attempted to get into the spirit of the whole San Francisco 2012 festival summer season without having to abandon the city to burn a strange man in a crusty desert like so many other San Franciscans. They trolled the three-day music and comedy festival at Golden Gate Park known as "Outside Lands" a few weekends ago. Staffers tried to ride waves on tasty music, awesome stage visuals and amazing people watching. However, one thing they were not counting on was sharing concert space with lame babies. It’s not cool to share premium lawn space with irksome babies. These dream killers ended up sponging all the pleasant bubbles of hallucinogen freak-outs and smoke friendlies. We couldn’t drop swears cuz everywhere some hipster baby acting all as if. Then getting eye rolled by hackneyed parents who can’t wait to tell said infantister when they get their older first concert was Outside Lands 2012. I don't know where these babies get off thinking they can enjoy the rock n' roll element. Babies do not belong at concerts. FACT.
Take for instance this smug-hipster-in-training baby wearing this ironic slogan t-shirt, "Dept of Awesome Established by Me". Sorry, baby, no such department exists, anywhere. You won’t get pitted off that slogan. And if that department existed a baby would not run it. Nor would it produce annoyingly sloganed tees promoting said department. My guess is the department would run out of money or get seized by investors for failure to deliver on said mission statement of being awesome. Furthermore, this baby has phenomenally lame taste in music. We caught baby red handed dancing along to a poor man's Maroon Five on one of the more forgettable passerby stages. We all know Maroon Five is all colors of jackass. Unfortunately we all got un-consensual ear molested by this terrible band waiting for one of our field reporters before heading to a more reputable stage.
At least the parents of this next culprit thought slightly higher of fellow adult concertgoers’ experience and put their baby in a travel prison case. Thus allowing concert mellow to remain unharshed and temporarily unbabied. Summer festival season has a long ways to go and hopefully it won’t be populated by anymore lame babies.

Monday, October 12, 2009

too soon

It's October, the month when babies prepare to march around in stupid outfits in a desperate and shameless effort to exploit others for attention and sugar product. Candy is like baby crack cocaine and they will go to deplorable lengths to get their fat, poorly coordinated mitts on it...even by sullying the memory of those who have gone before us.

There is nothing more sickening than babies trying to capitalize upon the death of others, especially in such a careless manner. The hair? Michael Jackson, not Hall from Hall & Oates so in the end the ignorance not only compromises the victims of your exploitation, but your own dignity as well. "Slap on a curly wig, promote animal cruelty and offensive stereotypes, and be rewarded with fun size candy bars"

seems to be the prevailing logic among the babies of today and is our duty, as cool, real, not baby people, to raise awareness of an upcoming dramatic spike in baby lameness. More from the front lines tomorrow.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

We're Teething

BBH8RS, been awhile! So, our reporter at large has been out of the country on a non-baby related assignment--covering Clog America's Summer'09 European tour. They are America's Pro Clogging Troupe and needless to say they whooped ass all over Germany, Austria, Croatia and Slovenia. The Clog America press team accepted the role of Cultural Ambassadors with open arms and took this once in a lifetime opportunity to share the American way of life with those barbarians over in Eurasia.

Our Global correspondents and reported that globally, babies are ill mannered and particularly in Europe, fewer in numbers but more aggressive. Fortunately, they kept their cool and were able to step up and do their civic duty by throwing garbage at local children--turning an annoying situation with an unruly baby into a teachable moment, and a cultural bridge.

In other news, YBIL is migrating over to More on this laters; for now we have some playgrounds to loiter around while wearing utility vests.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

what, no bluetooth?

Beloved babywatchdog community, this is a particularly troubling case.

He/she/it looks like the type of baby who would answer their iPhone on the elliptical trainer by saying "yeah" or "talk to me", yap till they're winded 10 min. later, end the conversation with "cc me on that", then troll around the weight room for another half an hour obliviously prodding at the ego affirming touch screen that they paid $500 for before the price was slashed in half 2 weeks later.

Lame babies are LAST year's status symbol. And that ain't even an 3G. Mokay!

Using advanced age progression technology we have determined what this baby will look like in 30 years, and he looks like someone you might want to see attacked by this mofo.

(Thanx to Stuff Nobody Likes for the pic)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

the lamest form of flattery?

Truly, it saddens us to shame-stamp YBIAA, because at the end of the day, it's not about a pissing contest between one baby watching blog (*cough* YBIL) and its rip-off (*sneeze* YBIAA). It's about the lame babies, and empowering them to correct themselves. We cannot allow ourselves to be sidetracked by these petty diversions. That said, we're not here to "come down" on lame-os, both within and outside of the baby community. Remember, what we at YBIL do is out of love and altruism. And selflessness, and generosity of spirit. Not to mention courage. What are we forgetting? Oh, humility.

Circle of Lame

AH yes: The not at all rare, not noble or majestic Baby Lamus, attention whore genus...most likely of Douche origin. By all accounts we are experiencing a fairly shocking bottleneck phenomenon here. Population control is imperative, people.

ImfuckingPerative. Lame babies are the new rats. Rats caused the bubonic plague, remember, and nearly toppled a once great civilization? We don't think we need to spell this out for you. The hour of spoon feeding is over, frankly, babies.

Baby Tip #468: If you encounter a lame baby in the wild, do not panic or make any sudden movements. Calmly duck behind the nearest bush and shoot them with an arrow dipped in mild tranquilizer, blown through a bamboo shot or tube, then outfit them with an ID tag so that we may begin to collect quantitative data regarding their true numbers, and act accordingly...and fast.

And lion, you've been shame-stamped too, for not doing your civic duty in gently but firmly mauling this young lamester. Again, we do not advocate baby mauling, because this whole thing is a labor of love. A swift sucker punch or wedgie would suffice. If you're not with us, you're against us, Simba, and that's just as lame. LAME!